One big step on my Goddess journey was connecting with my inner Kali.
At a time I was really battling with my frustrations. I was getting impatient with how long everything seemed to take for me. How I kept on finding issues after issues coming up to be cleared. No matter how spiritual I had become, there were still many moments where I would lose my patience and react to things and feel anxious or irritated.
I asked the universe what should I do? How can I let go of my ego, and relax more, and control my reactions? I sat down and tried to listen. Within seconds, I literally heard a voice in my head. It said: You have to get to know your inner Kali.
At first, I thought, wait a minute, isn’t that some dark and evil being, what am I getting myself into? Later as I talked about my experiences, I realized many others had some dark ideas about this wild liberating Goddess.
For me this getting to know the deities and the archetypal representations of the different sides of the goddesses, has been a very personal process. I have never studied about any of them before. I really have no idea what they are until they come to me, and I want to keep it that way. I have learned to love the process, because then when I do research afterwards it usually confirms everything I have been learning. It has helped me to trust my knowing more and to trust the knowing that we all are one and everyone of us can have access to any information if we just ask.
What I learned from Kali was that I have always been suppressing my negative emotions and anger. I had done just like many of us “good girls” with the “bad” shadow do. Always sucked my anger in, trying to avoid conflict, because I had judged my negative emotions as bad, evil and very wrong. Of course this leads the anger building up inside and eventually exploding in ways that surprised me as much as anyone else around, or it would be channelled into some kind of self destructive behaviour, even causing illness in my body. Creating those feelings of being evil and bad over and over again.
There were many times I would literally bang my head on the wall.
Gifting myself an instant punishment for being such a bad girl. Despite of all the liberation going on, I still had no means of how to constructively express and understand my anger, anxiety or frustration.
I began painting my Kali and as I painted I could feel being surrounded by her spirit teaching me, guiding me energetically in the process of integration with that angry untamed part of me. I understood that the negative emotions are powerful transformational forces, when understood and expressed in truth they can become very powerful tools for taking action.
At that time I was having Kundalini awakening experiences, and I saw there a connection with Kali and those primal forces of creation. The wild liberated pure life force, that can destroy everything that is no longer serving my highest good.
My Kali began to surrender to the ecstatic pure sexual creative flow of life and love. I understood that every negative emotion and reaction is a result of me ignoring the inner whisper for taking actions and making the changes for real. If I surrender to those inner creative impulses and act upon my guidance, that force of life begins to work with me and through me, rather than against me.
I learned to ask when the anger or any other negative emotion surfaces, what changes I am desiring for myself am I ignoring now?
What actions I am not taking, that I truly want to take? Where am I choosing to give my own power to choose away? Where am I not being honest and accepting things I no longer want in my life?
Kali has definitely made me see many of the places I was giving my power away, where I was still waiting to be saved by someone or something outside of me, instead of standing on my own feet in my own power, and in the end surrendering to the divine flow of creation.
Kali demands respect, honesty, she will destroy everything that is false and liberates from the illusion. She taught me to begin taking steps to find my authentic personal way of expression. Turning inward and lighting up all those things I’ve adopted from my surroundings. Where I was trying to become something I thought I needed to become, rather than knowing who I really was.
She is one of the highest and purest forces of creation when integrated she can make changes easy and nothing can stand in the way of her truth. That is what Kali is for me. Be magic, with love Kati