How much of your true kindness, love, caring, generosity, richness and power are you hiding by trying to please others with everything you do and be?
How much of the change you could be are you not being, because you have to put the needs of others before your own?
Can you imagine what it feels like to come home from school feeling really proud getting an A from the first test ever and my mom just shrugs her shoulders and says, "well that is your own business", and asked me to keep it down, so my brother won’t hear about it, because he wasn't as "well off" as I was.
My heart sank, that was the first moment when I began to live in the story of I will never be good enough, no matter how good I was, and that my good was always away from someone else. I was literally asked to stop shining my light and so I did. To this day, I haven’t had a graduation party, even if I have done two university degrees, both of them with highest of honors.
I became a rebel in my own way, but as I look back I was merely recreating my stories of not been seen, received, heard or loved wherever I adventured in life. Anytime I would succeed in something, I felt like I had done something wrong.
I still was trying to be that good girl I had always expected to be with my pain and anger, so I really just ended up using it against myself. I had no ways of knowing what to do with my anger so I just hid it and it occasionally it would explode and I would somehow create circumstances, that felt like I was punishing myself, for all of my wrongness.
It was the true kindness of my child’s heart that had taken on the belief, that there isn’t enough of love or anything in this world for everyone, so the less of it I have, the more of it is left for everyone else.
Now, I know that my story is not just my story, most of us women have our own versions of the good girl bad girl theme. I wonder what yours is?
At what age did you first discover the wrongness of you, that you still keep on trying to fix, heal or hide by trying to please others?
Pleasing other people is a big thing for us women, we give so much of our power away by trying to please everyone in our world in the good and in the bad, even with our business.
A lot of us still base our sense of value and worth on how much appreciation, money and love we can get from the world instead of having the sense of safety anchored in our own being, in our own knowing and in our own infinite love and support.
When we create our lives from the polarities we can’t really be what we choose to be, we can only keep on recreating both of the things we want and the things we resist and there is never a balance. When we think we got to be in a better place something else shows up because we were creating from avoidance.
Ultimately these things are about us avoiding some pain we haven’t yet been willing to be present to and have just tossed it aside. Judged it as a wrongness of us and moved on, trying to create something better, but the pain is still there. It is coming back over and over again, until we are no longer afraid of facing it, or until we are forced to face it.
As long as we are holding on to any judgements about anything we can’t be the opposite either freely. The kindness we try to be is really a hiding place for us to hide our darkness instead of being the light we truly be without sacrificing ourselves for others.
I want you to ask yourself this question.
Truth, how much of your true kindness, love, caring, generosity, richness and power have you been unable to be, because of the resistance to "the wrongness" of you you believed to be true?
What kindness would you truly be in the world, if you didn't believe your thoughts about the wrongness of you?
Shine Your Light and Be The Change,
Love, Kati