I Don't Know How to Love Myself?



We all have heard about a million times that the key to everything lies in our ability to love ourselves. There was a time in my life that I was ready to punch someone if I heard it one more time. I had no idea what it meant to love myself.


I had tried repeating I love you’s in front of the mirror, to my heart, to my body, but that didn’t work. I did not feel any different. I was guided to go into a moment in my life when I have felt really good and loved, to go into my heart and feel the love of the eternal spirit through my heart. To imagine how it would feel, if I was truly and completely loved as I am? Yeah right. I might get into a temporary high, only to wake up in my misery feeling even worse.


I had no idea what it meant to love myself. I had no idea how to respect and honor me, or how to be kind to myself. I used to envy everyone who had the privilege to have preserved the natural sweetness and their innocent loving nature. I hated the softness and beauty of those who were kind and caring. It felt like faking to me. I just couldn’t believe it was for real, that’s how deep I was in the cynical cold world of mine.


I was sure any sweet being was faking it in order to protect themselves and in reality they were only using their “sweetness” for their own advantage. I was sure they were hiding their true misery.


There was no way anyone could just be so sweet, innocent and purely loving to themselves and others.

Just like many of us, I thought that loving myself meant living in a constant state of bliss and happiness. Being that innocent loving angelic being, spreading kindness and love all around, being completely confident and fully shining my light around. I felt like a total failure in my attempts to get there.


A few years ago, when I was so deep in my misery, fed up with all the trying to love and I just snapped. I hate my life, I hate all of this, I just don’t know how to love myself, I don’t know what it takes to love this victim out of me? I prayed and cried. I screamed I have the right to be angry about all this, I am so tired, I am so angry and I just can’t take this frustration any more.


I felt like I was just going to explode with all the negative emotions I was going through. I began to state out loud everything that I truly felt and cried more whilst doing that. After doing that for an hour or so, I noticed a difference in me.


The crying had become more sincere, as if I was crying for the one who never felt safe enough to express all those emotions. I felt for her, I realized I’ve never really listened to her pain. I felt an opening in me. I felt kindness for myself for the first time in years.

I realized how much of wrongness I’ve put into my negative emotions and thoughts. There is nothing wrong with them. We have just been conditioned that our negative thoughts and emotions mean the opposite of kindness and therefore they have to be avoided or we need to get rid of them, by using afformations and all kinds of healings.


It is true that our negative thoughts and emotions can cause harm to ourselves and to others when we suppress them and then they just surface randomly. But, if they are embraced within accepted and heard by ourselves, they will deliver the truth of their purpose, which is to awaken us to the greater being that is trying to emerge, the being that we have always been.


After trying to love myself and everything about my life for so long, I finally got to a point, that I admitted the truth of it. I had no idea how to love myself or any of the misery I was in.


As soon as I opened up to the truth of not knowing, something magical happened. The guilt of not knowing and being unable to love it all lifted. It was not my fault I didn’t know how. I actually felt love for the one who didn’t know how to love.

It is natural for all of us to want something better for ourselves, and in truth we are capable of creating anything we want in life. We all are infinite beings containing every possible choice we can think of. What ever we can dream of has actually already being created in the field of infinite possibilities. It’s just a matter of us aligning with the frequencies of those infinite choices.


Of course, as I realized this, I began trying to create something better for myself, all excited about the infinite possibilities. But, it wasn’t working, and I kept wondering why wasn’t it working.


Until, I woke up to the truth. Why would an infinite being, that has always had infinite choices to choose from, had chosen this moment I am in right now? Wouldn’t this be the highest choice for me to be in right now?


Why would I want to get rid of this choice, why would I want to change anything of it? I might not know why I am in this moment, but there is a part of me that does. That part of me that has created this choice out of all the infinite choices for me.


I might not see or know the perfection of this moment, but at least I can honor the creator in me by surrendering to this choice.

How was this helpful you might wonder? By honoring the ultimate creator within me, I honoured the truth of me. When we realize the space we are in is the ultimate perfection we have created for us, we embrace our true freedom. Once we have no need to change anything. We no longer need the things we wanted to change. The cycle has been fulfilled, we are welcoming the next state of our evolution.


Sometimes it requires us to be the ones who spend the few years in solitude, or in our misery, instead of taking the advice from someone who has gone through it before us. Often we seek for the cure from teachers, gurus, programs and then get even more disappointed. No one can know your path, you are the one who has to live it.


We can take the very long route of trying to solve the reasons and the wrongness of our past. The reasons of how we got there are actually far less important than the honest realization of where we are. We can listen to the advice and wisdom of others, but we have to live through our own transformation, that is the whole reason for us being here.


Gift yourself the time and space you need. It is easy to get blinded by the ideas of receiving instant wealth, happiness and love, when someone is offering them to you, as if you were battling against time. Seeking for the instant gratification can actually become the biggest block on your naturally unfolding path.


Your time is always divinely perfect.

It is ok not to know how to love yourself or all of your life. Not knowing how is the open invitation for the universe to step in, and fill in the empty spaces. It is not your job to know the how’s. Admitting that you don’t know is surrendering to the divine. It’s easier to understand this in a context of trying to manifest money or abundance, but it is a principal that works in anything, including self-love.


When you surrender to the truth of not knowing the how’s, that is when you begin to embrace everything that comes into your life with gratitude, and it is not practising being grateful, but actually embodied gratefulness, the truth of you. Until, the next stage of evolution calls you, making you feel a bit uncomfortable again, but as you begin to see how this is the natural process of the expanding consciousness, you learn to welcome that uncomfortableness with gratitude, kindness and love.


The more present you are in your heart, mind and body to your true feelings and emotions in every moment the more you teach yourself not to be afraid of them. Whatever we are willing to gift our full attention and presence to, no longer needs to cry out for it. I think I understand the meaning of the statement; the truth will set us free.


Honoring your truth, whatever it is for you in any given moment is one of the most powerful tools of transformation. It is surprising how raw and pure honesty can actually activate the opening of the heart into more and more love.

Imagine a mother, that receives her child running to her in pain. She might not know what has caused his or her pain, she might not know how she can help that child, but she can and will hold him or her in her loving presence. Just like you can hold your whole life in that same space allowing it all to be as it is. That is the essence of true Goddess love in action. From that Goddess point of view you have already arrived to your destination, which is being present in this very moment of your life, regardless of how it makes you feel.


Our emotions are just the drivers of our evolution, not the destination of it. In oneness there are no emotions, we chose to come here to experience them.


Be magic,

with love,


Kati