The other morning I got into thinking about our intimate relationships and how all of them serve our greatest good, even when it times it may feel the opposite of it for us. I guess this theme is coming up for me as my ex is about to get married in a few weeks.
It made me think how I was so totally happy and in love in the beginning of our relationship, for many years to be truthful. Yet, now I can see the patterns and limitations where I was creating that relationship from. Before that I had been in a very abusive relationship, after which I had to get some therapy to get over with.
My therapist told me that he was a textbook narcissist. But, I don't believe in definitions. I believe he was exactly what I needed at that time to bring up all those parts of me that needed healing.
My ex however was totally the opposite, in the beginning.
He gave me all the things I had wanted, and even more so he perceived and received me the way I had wanted to be received in the relationship before it.
I thought I was finally being seen in the way I wanted to be seen. Loved, the way I longed to be loved. There were many of the elements in the relationship that were completely missing from the one before. It seemed as if I had finally found the love of my life. But actually I had just gone to the opposite direction in my inner avoidance, and my decision of never wanting to go through what I had been through or wanting something "more".
But what ended up happening in the long run was, that because I hadn't healed or brought those reasons truly into my awareness that caused me to choose dysfunctional relationships, it gradually began to fall apart and what was once a fairytale romance turned even worse than the one before. In a different way, yet in a very similar way.
I had given myself up again.
I was coming from a slightly different perspective to facing the same issues that I had brushed under the rug. They were all based on either some fantasies, things I was trying to avoid or to gain from the relationship. There was no true co-creation, really no true love.
Well, all love is ultimately true and all is ultimately love, but until we get to the unconditional side of it, we are just serving each other's fantasies, dreams, the image and the ego we want to perceive. We lose ourselves in the process and eventually lose the other, who never really was there anyway. Because we never truly received them as a being, unconditionally.
The paradox of human love. We can not love an object of our desire unconditionally.
But, we can love our desires unconditionally. :)
Many of us are still very much trying to establish ourselves, our relationships, our businesses, homes everything in the material realm of this reality. There is a part of us that still has hard time letting go of the illusionary establishments of the appearing reality.
The foundations we build are based on our judgement about ourselves. In the articles on finding love, we are guided make lists of the qualities of our dream partners, visualize them, how they treat us, how we feel in the relationship. We are guided to become what we want in the partner. And after all the hard work get disappointed when no one can tick all the boxes of our lists and we failed becoming.
Or we may find the one who fits the list and then often try to do everything in our power not to change, not to move, not to evolve so we don't lose the perfection of what we have. But what our list or trying really is telling to ourselves, is all the things we are not willing to be for ourselves.
The fairytale romances keep falling down, because we are still looking for that something from the other, when that something is always our creation that can only come through us first, not through another person. No one can overpower our choice no matter how much we keep lying to ourselves.
Whatever we try to establish in the world of appearances is bound to be taken away, and unfortunately that is the reality of many of us here who are willing to be the change. We have chosen to be free from the illusion. We have committed ourselves to see and be beyond the lies of the past.
Though it may seem unfair for someone in the spiritual path, though you can't ever really call anyone's path less "spiritual", but I know many of us keep finding ourselves in deep emotional turmoils of things falling apart, when those who just lead a "normal" life seem happy and content. We start doubting asking questions like, why is it, that as soon as stepped fully into this, my life and my relationships has just gotten worse. I thought it was meant to be easier, not harder.
Eventually we awaken to the truth of the whole universe just wanting to support us, to gift us opportunities for more and more freedom in an increasing speed.
And as we stay focused on the truth of us, centered in our infinite being and power, our ability to receive the wisdom, love and freedom from all those events expands. Until, there is just an occasional drop which can turn into deep gratitude in minutes instead of months, weeks or days.
Love is not separate, we are made of it.
We don't need to love the illusion of the self, all we need is to see it as it is. Observe and be present to the stories of past human we have taken on and believed they mean something about us. But they don't, we are not the stories, we are not the characters.
There is a vortex of creation a force of life flowing through our being, that is one with all that is, and it contains everything that we could ever need or want. It is programmed to fulfill all of our needs and desires, because in the flow there is no concept of separation. There is no doubt or fear present, it just is and when we allow that flow to take over it lifts us to the frequency of our true being and it flows with ease.
It knows itself. We don't "need" to know what "the person" within the being wants or even what our being wants, we just need to be open to receive what "we already are". Truth is always expansive, so the more you allow yourself to be connected to that true flow the more you expand into your true desires.
You stop creating imaginary perfection of the self or the other. You stop caring what the "other" can or could add to your life, what qualities they have or don't have. You have no more conditions, no more resistance in receiving whatever or whoever shows up with no attachment to any outcome.
So here are my words for my love in the past, present and the future:
I choose to be loved as a woman I don't yet know, always. I choose to love you as a man that doesn't yet exist, always.
Will I be able to hold that space for me? Yes and many times possibly no, but I can choose to always grow and get back to the flow. And, who am I to know?
We can get there together. Support each other. See each other through the eyes of God and the Goddess. That is what we truly are. Love, Be Magic! Kati